Member-only story
What I See When I Look in the Mirror
I’m Not the Same Person I Was
I’ve always had problems with seeing myself for who I am. Yes, I recognized my image in the mirror, but an eating disorder, body distortion, and a lack of self-love as a teenager and young adult led to a skewed image.
It wasn’t until I hit 40 that I started to see myself without a critical filter — and I came to appreciate the woman who was looking back at me. For the first time, she looked upon me kindly and with satisfaction, without repugnance. We had a decent relationship, me and the woman in the mirror — our relationship became more forgiving and trusting. And then, at 42, a few days after an extended hospital stay due to a bout of severe pneumonia, she left, and another woman replaced her.
There’s a point when you’re fighting a severe illness that you stop caring about little things. The concerns about what I wore or whether I had my trademark eyeliner on were replaced by questions: would I be able to walk to answer the door if the doorbell rang? Would I be home from the hospital in time for Thanksgiving? Would I be coming home at all?
I’m not meaning to be dramatic. It was only at my sickest that I started to realize that what’s really important comes into sharper focus as your body is giving way to the great unknown. And your appearance is one of…